Potter á la cliché
by Jente Bidernais
Summary: This are ALL HP cliché’s put into one story, which is supposed to be funny. Evil!everyone. Manipulative!Dumbles. Twin is BWL. Spoilers…. Etc.
1. Chapter 1

Potter á la Cliché.

Summary: This are ALL HP cliché's put into one story, which is supposed to be funny. Evil!everyone. Manipulative!Dumbles. Twin is BWL. Spoilers…. Etc.

Prologue.

Once upon a time the Potters were happy. It was not even that long ago. To be more precise it was a little less than ten years back that they lived all happily.

James and Lily were in the clouds with their twin sons: Harry and Hammish. While Harry was named after Granddad Potter, his brother Hammish was named after Remus Lupins pet-hedgehog. Granddad Evans was pretty annoyed that a hedgehogs name was chosen over his, but when he saw the kids he had to admit that neither of him seemed to be a 'Wilhelmus.'

The boys godfather Sirius Black came to visit them almost daily, alongside with their good friends Peter and Remus. Yes, the Potters where happy.

This happiness came to an abrupt end on the twins second Halloween.

Now Harry Potter was being abused by his Uncle Vernon, while James and Lily were terrorized by their snobbish son Hammish. How have things gotten this far?

_That Halloween something happened. A man clad in dark robes and a mask entered the house of the Potters. James and Lily, who had been downstairs, fainted. The man threw in a nice vicious laugh and glided (because evil lords _glide_, they do not walk) up the stairs. _

_He thought of how he had gotten the location of the house: He had his loyal Scrubbs impersonate mrs. Pettigrew. This way he had gotten close to the Pettigrew-boy who he put under Imperius. The Pettigrew-boy tricked the Black-boy into convincing the Potter-boy to make the Pettigrew-boy the Secretkeeper. Of course the Pettigrew-boy was then forced to give the information to Lord Voldemort himself. Yes, the man thought, simple plans are the best, or at least the easiest._

_Upstairs there were several bedrooms. Voldemort, the powerful evil lord as he was, picked immediately the right room and laughed evilly at the twin. _

_Hamish laughed back, just as evilly. Harry was asleep. _

_Voldemort pointed his wand at the boys. Then he spoke out a death curse. The 'ada,' as Lord Voldemort revered lovingly to his adava kadavra's, hit both boys at the same time. Hamish glared and Harry opened his eyes to do the same. The curse rebounded and hit Voldemort square in the face. He died._

_The kids stayed alive, but would be scarred for the rest of their lives. Hamish had a scar in the form of a lighting bolt on his forehead. Harry's scar was more hidden; it was placed on his butt and had the form of a star. _

_Professor Dumbledore arrived before the Potters regained consciousness. Seeing their bodies on the floor made him realize something bad had happened. He rushed upstairs and saw the two boys. _

_Hamish scar was burning red and sprung to notice. Dumbledore concluded that it was _him _who stopped the Dark Lord, never realizing that Harry could have a scar as well, even if he didn't see it right away. _

_The Greatest Wizard in Brittain (for yes, there where _far_ greater wizards outside Brittain) went down to wake up Lily and James. _

_It took him less than a minute to convince James that they had to give up Harry in order to give Hamish enough attention. "He will be the worlds savior, James," being the key-words. James loved fame._

_It was harder to convince Lily, the mother who had gone through six hours of unbearable pains just to get both of the boys. It was only logical that she was not about to give one up. _

_Albus had to admit that it took all he had to convince her that by giving Harry up, she would only _get more.

_Later that night, Harry James Potter found himself in front of the door of a house where he would be severely abused._

The next ten years where bad to all parties. Harry's life was probably the hardest, but the rest of the family didn't have it much easier: James Potter had to give in to each and every wine of Hamish, being told by good old Dumbles, that if he didn't things wouldn't work out.

Lily lived with a fulltime feeling of guilt towards Harry and resentment toward the son she had left. She had been promised he would give her so much more, yet she didn't seem to get anything.

Hamish life was far from perfect. His parents would give him anything he wanted, but he lived under pressure. He had to be perfect and he had to save the world, he was not allowed to be just a kid. His mother would always tell him he was not good enough, but at least he had his father to make up for it, always giving him what he wanted.

Yes, in one night the Potter family was torn apart. Every family member was now living his/hers own torn life. But it would all get worse when the family reunited.

And this very thing happened at the first of September.


	2. Potter á la cliché, chapter 2

The Hogwarts express was red. This color was picked out with care. It was meant to say: danger, beware! Usually the train brought students to Hogwarts, where they would get hurt in all possible ways. Sometimes Hogwarts was deathly. But today the danger was not in where it took the students, but in where they came from.

A car stopped for the station. The fat man that pulled open the door resembled a big, no _huge _pig. He stumped around the car and threw open the passenger door. A mini-pig came out, for some reason clutching his backside. On the backseat a scrawny boy looked at the whole happening with fear. "Get out freak! The sooner we're rid of you, the better…"

The boy scrambled out and took out his luggage. "Thank you for driving me here, Uncle Vernon." The man hid the boy across the face. "No problem, Freak." The mini-pig made a strange noise: "E Hee He. No problem Freak." He laughed another time, malicious.

The boy really was scrawny as hell, almost unhealthy. The way he lifted up his luggage showed that he was used to carrying heavy things. Looking at his feet he made his way over to the station. None of the men said 'goodbye'. The mini-pig _did _make a movement that could be interpreted as a wave, but was meant as a threat: 'when you come back I kill you, I will torture you, I will kill you, I will pester you with stupid questions, I will play games with your head after I've chopped it off, oh and did I mention that I will kill you?'

* * *

It was not that far away that a redheaded woman talking to her young son on a rapid and high frequency. "And you've got a reputation to hold up. So, no cheating on tests, no skipping classes, and **no**, I repeat, **no** pranks." A man, who seemed to be the big version of the scrawny boy we met just moments ago, muttered something that sounded an awful lot like: "She knows to take the fun out of everything…"

"Shut up, James," the woman said. "No breaking curfew, no sneaking in and/or out of Hogwarts, no lying, no getting caught in doing anything that you're not supposed to be doing, no breaking the rules. I got you 'Hogwarts Guide to Rules,' it's in your trunk. _Do_ read it, _do_ follow all directions and if something is not clear, you'll write me or you will ask a teacher. Am I clear?" The boy nodded. "Clear_. I won't do it_, but it's clear. Clear as hell."

The woman shook her head and her red locks fell into her face. "No swearing. And you'll obey me. Because if you don't, it will be the last thing you _didn't_ do." The man snickered. He quickly took off his glasses, so he could pretend to wipe them clean and thus ignore a lot of glaring, coming from his wife. "Shut up, James."

This time the boy started snickering. Apparently his Daddy being told off was quite funny in his eyes. "Shut up, Hammish." The man named James snickered again. "Shut up, James." Things continued this way until they the Hogwarts express came into sight.

* * *

The scrawny kid walked through the station with no idea of where to go. Suddenly he saw a bunch of redheads. The mother (or at least Scrawny Kid thought it was the mother, it could have been an Aunt, or a friend of the family, or even…. Well anyway, Scrawny Kid thought it was the mother) was rambling in a rapid tempo. Scrawny Kid heard something like: "… of course filled with muggles…. Ginny, why don't you carry…."

Gathering all his courage together he stepped up to the family. "Excuse me, Redheads. Watzupp….? I just wanted to know, you know, how to get on the Hogwarts Express, you know. And I thought, you know, those guys probably know, you know, how to get on the Hogwarts express. So, could you tell me, like, how to get on the Hogwarts express?"

The family looked at him with BIG eyes. "Um, yeah, of course," one of the older boys said, seeing as his mother was still shocked silent. "You just have to, eh, well, it's easy; run 

through that wall. I know it sounds weird, but it'll let you through. So, that's how you do that." The boy shook his shoulder-length red hair out of his face.

Scrawny Kid nodded and turned around, running straight through the wall. It was his lack of hesitation that made one of the redheads say: "Well that will be a roomy of yours, Ron. Assuming of course you'll get in Gryffindor."

Another redhead shook his head. "Nope, my bet is on Hufflepuff, it was sheer stupidity what you saw demonstrated there. He shouldn't have trusted you." The first one glared. "And you should have gotten into Slytherin."


End file.
